Taking a deep breath...

and letting it out on a prayer.

So it's official. M was forced to lay off his entire development team at work. He's also been informed that he has five months to find a new job. I have to say, that's so much better than just getting the boot, but it's still scary. Things are not pretty right now with the economy, that's certainly obvious. It just hadn't hit home for me until this. I'm petrified that this will become a rerun of the episode 5 years back when M lost his job and was unemployed for 6 months. It was the worst time of my adult life. Back then though, we didn't have a five month warning. I'm still skittish though. We've now made plans to immediately start cost cutting. No extra movie channels, no more comic book subscription, cell phone plan gets cut down to basics, as does the interwebs provider. It's been nice being spoiled, but to be honest, it was starting to take a toll on me. I'm not comfortable with being comfortable. Does that make sense? I'm so used to having to struggle for things, it's how I spent the majority of my childhood and part of my teen years. I'm ok with struggling, it gives you something to strive for.
What I'm not ok with is not being able to supply my daughter with the basics. That is truly my greatest fear. I don't want to rely on my family, because my family is self employed, as is M's family. They're being hit just as hard as, if not harder than, everyone else. I'm not afraid to go back to work, I know I can make it happen somehow. I kind of miss temping, but what I've noticed is that I spend less money by staying at home. I thought it was some kind of cliche or something that SAHM's told themselves to feel better about not working (yes, I know that sounds horrible). It's true though. I don't need to worry about proffessional clothing because my profession needs nothing more than jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie...shoes optional. Sometimes I can wing it in my PJs. I don't have to worry about packing or buying a lunch...I've got my fridge. I don't have to worry about gas money...I barely go anywhere. It's been...nice. I don't rush, I just do what needs to be done when it needs to be done.
And the best part of it all has been E. She has bloomed. She's less whiney, she gets her homework done, and if this is even possible, she's happier. She likes me being home and I'm growing to like being here for her. I thought I'd go insane, but it turns out I was already there. Now I'm just growing saner. I don't want to have to give that up. Sure I bust my butt cleaning the house, cooking, doing laundry and all that other stuff I used to just let fall to the wayside due to time constraint. But I'm proud of my home. It gets better and better looking every week. I've been able to do things that have been languishing for months. I've seen the bottom of the clothing hamper more often in the past month than I had in six months of when I was working. It's wonderful.
In order to keep my mind from running itself down into frantic circles over M's work situation, I've been making things and cleaning. Keeping busy really is the best way to get through the worst situations. Not only are you destracted, allowing some small part of your mind to resolve and think without constant interruptions and overthought, you also get things accomplished. That sense of accomplishment really helps when faced with a large situation in your life that you really have no effect on.

Oh and lest this entry sound like a SAHM's glowing self congratulation...I forgot that there was no school today. We stood outside waiting for the bus in 10 degree weather for 5 minutes before I decided that we must have missed it due to the lack of fellow bus waiters. So I drove E to school...only to read on the announcement board that school was out. Genius!

Things I've done today:
Took the old mattresses to the dump.
Cleaned the fridge out
Started the scary dishes
Took E. to DD for donuts
Picked up basic groceries
Made a payment on the truck repairs
Made M laugh on one of the worst days of his career
Uploaded stuff to Flickr
Compiled things from the basement and put them on the porch to take to the dump
Took extra bed frames up to the attic
Didn't cry
Kept my cool
Didn't panic
Kept my faith that God will provide

Things I'd like to do tomorrow:
Groceries
Second run to dump
Make dinner
Make M laugh
Watch a movie with the family
Not Panic
Keep my faith that God will provide
Not cry
Keep my cool
Update my calendar
Talk to G
Work on garland

A special thanks to Pete for being there. Thanks! I needed that.